For Men Only? Not at Church

I attended a Men’s Conference the other day and left early after I walked in and saw the place half packed with women.

Not that I was surprised. In fact, as I was getting out of the car, I asked myself “I wonder how many women will be in this place tonight”. It was not as much as I had anticipated, but the point is they were there.

Perhaps I was not taken back by the fact that there were women at a Men’s Conference because it happens all the time. It’s become the norm for many churches in The Bahamas. They would organize something “for men only” and the day before the pastor, from the pulpit, would tell the women, it would be okay if they showed up. Some would even encourage the women to attend, in order to “make up the numbers”.

Such latitude and compromise has become the order of the day within our churches. “For men only” doesn’t really mean that and so women are free to attend. And they do – in droves. After all they have to show men how to do church.

Why am I making such a big deal out of this, since the women help to make up the numbers and make the place appear full? For the simple reason that it destroys any hope of men being themselves in a church setting.

Church women and many pastors just don’t get it. Men will never open up, be themselves nor become vulnerable, as long as women are around. Why? Because for men, as long as women are around, there is that pressure, that need to impress. To be macho.

That’s why I’m convinced that boys perform better academically in all male schools than they do in co-ed schools. That’s just my opinion. Boys are just too easily distracted by girls and that does not go away with age.

Bring a group of men and women together and ask each person to share how they feel about something personal and the men will close up like a clam. Women will share openly and honestly, but the men will stay silent and if they are forced to speak, they will do so on the surface level and in generalities.

However, bring a group of men together and ask them to express how they feel about something personal, watch them open up and share. Like a well pump, it may take some priming to get the conversation going, but trust me, once the conversation begins and all inhibitions are cast aside, those guys will open up their very souls and share things that may surprise even them.

But that will never happen as long as women are around.

A church setting is even more of a challenge.

Firstly, its difficult to even get men to attend church, and next to impossible for them to express emotions and susceptibility within a church setting, with women around. For some unknown reason men “hate” church. (Maybe hate is too strong of a word, but it gets the point across.)

Having served as a committee member and then as vice president of a men’s ministry for over six years, I know how hard it is to get men to attend anything with the word “church” written in it. Unless it’s a game night at the church. But for the most part, men find church boring, a task and a form of punishment either carried out by God himself or by their wives.

I have an idea as to why I think men hate church, but then that’s another blog, for another time.

With the task and the teeth pulling it takes to get men to attend a church event, it’s disappointing to watch it fall flat because the organizers or the pastors thought nothing about telling the church women that they’re free to attend as well.

Organizers surmise that it doesn’t look good to hold a major conference in a huge church and only have a handful of men attend and so it would be safer to have the women come in – at least to make it look good.

Do women feel that they have to coddle men to the point that without their presence a male only event would not be as successful? Do they feel that they have to hold men’s hands and lead them along the spiritual path until they are able to walk on their own?

Maybe they do. Maybe as men we do need a lot of help, but how many men would be quick to put their pride aside and admit that? At the same time, how many men do you see speeding into the church yard, running to the door and pushing their way into a “women only” church event?

Don’t get me wrong, I agree, if it were not for the women many churches would literally shut down and close their doors. Yet at the same time, the present mindset of some women and pastors in churches will never lead to more men finding their way through the church doors on their own.

I appreciate the work women do in order to keep our churches running. They’re the ones who organize a lot of the church calendar; they’re the ones at the prayer meetings, they’re the ones at the regular services and they’re the ones at the special services, including a Men’s Conference.

Someone has suggested that the women be stopped at the door and not permitted to go into these Men only events. Obviously these are people who have never had to deal with church women. Anyone trying to prevent women from entering the church doors will incur the wrath of God upon their heads.

It will stir up a ruckus that will turn embarrassing for those trying to prevent women from attending. Yes, sometimes church women can be very stubborn.

But we have to draw the line somewhere. If only a handful of men show up for a men’s conference, then so be it. Praise the Lord and have church with the handful of men. The truth is, until men make up their own minds to attend church and open up, it will always only be a handful of men showing up for anything in the church.

So, get used to it. But at least give men their space and allow them to fall and get back up on their own. Allow them to gather together no matter how small the numbers. Maybe it will encourage them to go out and invite other men in to make up the numbers.